Today, October 19th, would have been my Dad's 60th birthday. He died yesterday, the day before his birthday, four years ago. I can not believe he has been away from us for four years. There are times when I still forget he is dead. I have something exciting to share or a question to ask and just for a split second I think about calling him. Those moments don't happen quite as much as they used to and I feel bad, because I feel like I have forgotten him. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think of him as often as I used to. Am I a bad person for that? Or am I going on with this crazy thing we call life? But then there are those times when the hurt and pain of losing him is so raw that if feels like it just happened. I can't watch a movie with death or suffering without totally losing myself in the pain of Dad's death.
As of late, Mom has told me more and more that I remind her of Dad in my ways, personality and actions. I don't know if she means it as a compliment, but I like knowing that. I like knowing that in some weird way, my children will experience a little bit of my Dad through me. I like knowing that I will always have a piece of my Dad with me, that is part of me, what I am because of him. Stupid? Yeah, I guess, especially if you've never experienced loss. Poor John, he doesn't know what to do when I just start crying, out the blue, because some tiny little thing, that only I see or know, made me miss my Dad. He's learning though; all I need is a great big hug and a few minutes to collect myself.
So a big Happy Birthday to my Dad!!!! I love you and miss you more than ever.
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